Today I’m Not Ok

Today I’m Not Ok

A couple of years ago I wrote a post about the state of being ok and that it is, well, ok. But, right now, I am not ok. I haven’t been for some time and it may be a while before I am again. And I’m getting tired of pretending that I am. Really, really tired. I wish it was easier to just not be ok. But it’s not. It’s actually pretty difficult. Because life gets in the way. Work, and kids, and responsibilities – they need me to be ok. To hold my shit together. To be strong and brave and all the things that I’m struggling to be.

The truth is, I feel broken right now. Like my heart and my entire life is in a million tiny pieces and I don’t even know where to begin to put them all back together. So I just sweep them up and put them in a box to deal with later. Hopefully they are all there and I didn’t lose anything important. It’s too soon to tell.

The truth is, I feel vulnerable right now. Like just about anything or anyone could come along and crush what’s left of me without much effort. And I’m not sure I have the strength to even try and stop them. Maybe I wouldn’t even want to stop them. I’ve already sunk so low that what’s a little lower?

The truth is, I feel tired right now. So tired. I haven’t had anything even close to a good nights sleep in months. And even if I did I’m not sure it would help. Exhaustion is all encompassing. My mind, my body, my very soul are all just weary.

The truth is, I feel completely and utterly disappointed in so many people right now that it hurts my heart. It just hurts, so damn much, to put your faith, your trust, your life really, in someone else’s hands and watch them selfishly just crush it. Right there in front of you. Slowly and deliberately and without any genuine remorse.

The truth is, I feel scared right now. Terrified. Scared that this may be the best it’s going to get now. That I am so broken and vulnerable and tired and disappointed that coming back from this might just be too hard. That I will never find that place where I even want to try to have faith in people again. That I’ll never have enough faith in my own judgement of people to even want to try. Because trying is too hard. Not trying is so much easier.

The truth is, I want permission to not be ok. I don’t want to try anymore to be all the things that everyone else wants and needs be to be. I want to just be what I need to be right now. But I don’t know how. Because being ok has been my enter life story. Holding my head above water. Carrying on. Being resilient. Fierce even. I may finally be out of fierce. After all these years I think I may have used it all up. And I have no idea where to go from here.

 

This article has 8 comments

  1. My dear friend. I am so sad to read this post. Because I get it. Completely. And as hard as it is to sit with the sadness and fear and vulnerability, sometimes there’s nothing else to do. I’ll spare you the platitudes about how it will get better and you’re strong enough to handle this and something good always comes out of something bad. And instead, just sit and hold space for you. For as long as is needed. 

  2. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way and it’s absolutely ok to not be okay. I know that it’s hard to keep it all together for everyone else but sometimes you need to just not be okay. If you ever need an ear, I’m always around xoxo

    Hugs friend and strength and love ❤️ 

  3. It’s totally OK not to be OK. I’ve been there…. lots of hugs my dear. We are all here for you!!

  4. As someone who suffers from bipolar disorder. As someone who is a caregiver to her child with special needs and a mental illness. As someone who looks after her husband who has a brain injury and forgets everything everyday. As someone who is the caregiver the guardian the lover the mother the daughter the friend to each and every person that’s in my life I can tell you from experience it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to freak out it’s okay to yell and scream it’s okay to bury your head in the sand for those moments that you don’t want anyone around you it’s okay to tell people you don’t want to talk and it’s okay to talk when you need to. You don’t have to keep it together. Part of Being Human being strong being a woman and being you means recognizing your boundaries being able to cross them when you need to. That means losing control. That means not being there for someone if they need you. And that especially means asking for help when you need it because you are so far down on your knees you can’t bend them enough to stand up straight. My heart goes out to you and I truly hope you can find some resolution within yours. I can’t say things will get better. I can’t say that you’ll feel alright again. What I can tell you is that writing about it and sharing it with all of us is your first step to letting the pain the regret the disappointment wash away like water off a duck’s back.

  5. I am totally where you are right now. And it’s okay to not be okay, as long as we don’t stay there.

  6. You.are.loved.by.many.

    I send you love. And hugs.

    P.S. it’s ok to not be ok…

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