A couple of years ago I wrote a post about the state of being ok and that it is, well, ok. But, right now, I am not ok. I haven’t been for some time and it may be a while before I am again. And I’m getting tired of pretending that I am. Really, really tired. I wish it was easier to just not be ok. But it’s not. It’s actually pretty difficult. Because life gets in the way. Work, and kids, and responsibilities – they need me to be ok. To hold my shit together. To be strong and brave and all the things that I’m struggling to be.
The truth is, I feel broken right now. Like my heart and my entire life is in a million tiny pieces and I don’t even know where to begin to put them all back together. So I just sweep them up and put them in a box to deal with later. Hopefully they are all there and I didn’t lose anything important. It’s too soon to tell.
The truth is, I feel vulnerable right now. Like just about anything or anyone could come along and crush what’s left of me without much effort. And I’m not sure I have the strength to even try and stop them. Maybe I wouldn’t even want to stop them. I’ve already sunk so low that what’s a little lower?
The truth is, I feel tired right now. So tired. I haven’t had anything even close to a good nights sleep in months. And even if I did I’m not sure it would help. Exhaustion is all encompassing. My mind, my body, my very soul are all just weary.
The truth is, I feel completely and utterly disappointed in so many people right now that it hurts my heart. It just hurts, so damn much, to put your faith, your trust, your life really, in someone else’s hands and watch them selfishly just crush it. Right there in front of you. Slowly and deliberately and without any genuine remorse.
The truth is, I feel scared right now. Terrified. Scared that this may be the best it’s going to get now. That I am so broken and vulnerable and tired and disappointed that coming back from this might just be too hard. That I will never find that place where I even want to try to have faith in people again. That I’ll never have enough faith in my own judgement of people to even want to try. Because trying is too hard. Not trying is so much easier.
The truth is, I want permission to not be ok. I don’t want to try anymore to be all the things that everyone else wants and needs be to be. I want to just be what I need to be right now. But I don’t know how. Because being ok has been my enter life story. Holding my head above water. Carrying on. Being resilient. Fierce even. I may finally be out of fierce. After all these years I think I may have used it all up. And I have no idea where to go from here.